Life is a difficult thing to deal with. How do i deal with a friends that i hate? but i love them all the same. Damn it I don't know how i feel. I have mixed emotions. I want my friend to be happy. I feel like my gut is being punched. I feel like My friends don't understand me. I don't think i under stand me. Why can't I just live in the moment. Why can't i just have fun and talk with some new random people.

So today has turned out to be a shitacular day. This blog is more like a bitch and moan spot. but im kinda annyoed. my external hd died and i can't believe i went and bought food for people who didn't come over. I feel like crap but i kinda wanna hurt myself. I feel like the song johnny cash.where he talks about hurting himself to make himself feel pain. im sick of being me i want it to end. Waking up is jsut a chore.

I think my inablitliy to feel for some one else has to do with my friends that i have. The girls that affect me in life play such a large roll in my life do i really have time for a relationship with a one person? Is it possible that I just will be unhappy for the rest of my life. What will be is in store for me in the future. There are 2 weeks left of school and then thats it. Where do i go from here. Time is almost up to figure that one out. My friends and parents believe in me why don't i believe in me? I have some skills that i can use to make money but

Man i feel like shit. Damn it why do i feel like shit.. Drinking with them dosn't make me feel any better. watching him flirt with her makes me sick. Just the thought of it gives me night mares. Damn it why can't the vocies in my head leave me alone. Damn my heart hurts. I should really stop drinking. I needa stay away from the energy drinks i think thats what is going to kill me one day. Every day seems like a day of hopelessness and depression. I tire of this. I can't do anything i can't do anything right. I feel so hopeless Some times i feel like It would be better if it just ended.

A week has come and gone. No poker today so spending it catching up on tv shows and dreading that I will eventually have to work on 2 term papers. Sokha called dono what she wanted but it was during her lunch break. No voice message though so i can safely assume that its not too imporant. I'm pretty tired in life. Looking forward doesn't seem anymore fun either. I'm considarding currency trading but thats just somthing I can do on the side. I'm still not 100% sure how margin works. which means i should do some research before i make my first despoit. oh well. Still tired. i wonder what everyone else is doing? I'm not really sure how i did on my real estate test. I'm pretty confident that i'll be ok during my insruance class as long as i can do well on the True and fase stuff. I'm not going to play poker untill tomorrow so thats why i got the day off. With nothing but reading and homework to do there has to be more in life besides that. And man its freakshly hot today.. Like 90's ish. What happened to call the cold weather.

I guess looking at my life i could say i have 3 girl friends. In all the different aspects of life I should ever be so lucky. They each fufill a different part of my personality. Its quite intersting that I would be so forunate to find people who I can go out and have a good time with. Theya re all good friends. But I wonder if becuse im such good friends and can always find someone to do things with makes me less likely to want to go out and look for that fulltime girlfriend. One of my gf's likes to cultural stuff eating fancy foods, and travling. Another is an old friend who's old jockes bad taste in men and our consistant bickering makes us like brother and sister. Another makes me feel like I'm just like any other guy in the world. If i could only pull all their personalitys together and make one person I would prolly fall in love with that person. Its hard to describe but each fills a different part of my personality. My consistant need to want to gamble and have fun. Another who enjoys fine foods. And one who finds my quarky personality, bad jokes, and old stories never old. All of them I've meet at different stages of life but quite frankly they all agree that I should find someone who will recipircate the last part that is missing.

Shanghai kiss is a movie that makes you think that in this world that an asian guy really can't live a normal life in america. But at the same time it seems to lead people to believe that there are things in china that would make an american asian seem more normal. It makes me think about all the times where I thought, I wounder what it would be like if i went to school and lived in a place where everyone else looked like me. Well not everyone but most everyone else. Its pretty hard to say that it would be different or not but in my mind its somthing that willbother me. In this movie the guy is a compelate doshe bag to his "gf" of some sorts. Friend Im not really sure but its kinda somthign where you wanna think man i'd be lucky to find someone like her. Or in his case find me. but thats the movies and thats not how real life happens. I have to rembe that the type of person i am makes me be alone. I guess cuped with a losing weekend it doesn't help. I'm pretty tired of playing poker so much some times i think i need a job. But i guess thats what happens when you have a losing weekend.

Ever feel like your life just isn't going anywhere. Life just seems just move in the same way. I missed my first credit card payment on accident this time. It was some what sad. I didn't mean to miss it I just plain forgot to pay it. Not like i didn't have the money to pay it its just i forgot. I'm getting older and i just don't have the energy to live. Sometimes I think it might even be easier if i could do something more productive. Its the same thing every week. The same motions. I need to shake up my life. I don't have anything to complain about but i do complain at the same time. I have loving parrents good friends who will be there for you if you need them. Why do I feel thatI'm missing somthing. I have thigns that people stive to get. I have the brain power to out think people. I have the ablity to do things that others can't yet. I feel that there is no reason to wake up tomorrow. It feels like a daily struggle just to get through the days and weeks. I need to live my life one day at a time. I need to enjoy my life. I need a goal in my life. I need a reason to go on.

It seems that time is not enough. There just isnt enough time in the world. I've got so much to do and so little time. With the new fall lineups coming up there just isn't enough time in the world. Between work, school, video games, I'm not quite convinced that there is still enough time to do what needs to be done. I don't know what to do about debt but I think I can get out of it. I just need to get my life going.