The last 2 years have flown by so fast, the last 5 even faster.

I am at the end of a chapter in my life and beginning a new one.  I am far from sure that I have made the right choice but this also everything seems to coming to an end and a new beginning.

On June 1st,  I will officially be unemployed an my very good friend will have left California.  

In the terms of leaving my job,  In my mind i feel like I am running through the forest with a bungee cord that when you reach the end it rips you back where you are supposed to be.  You are really never in any real danger  because you know that cord is there to pull you back to safety.  By quitting my job and taking that leap of faith a few images come to mind,  the Scene from Rise: of Batman,  When Bruce Wayne figures out that he can not make that final leap out of the prison with out the safety rope.

secondly,  In my mind back to running in the forest i feel like I just cut the rope and as June 1st quickly approaches  I suddenly do not feel the rope holding me back now.  

I feel that I am running towards the sun rise, there is darkness just being illuminated by the morning sun,   I am running towards the cliff.  in hopes that I can fly.  I am running as fast as I can so that i can fly.


I am trying to trust my uncle,  I am supposed to believe that he will take care of things. This leap of faith was put in the hands of a very successful man.  I feel that if i can even walk part of his path I will be very comfortable.  I am not afraid to work hard.

I need to bring myself together, I need to trust in the system,  I need to cut dead weight,  and not dwell on the past.  I must learn from it and continue to press forward.  This is the only way for me to become better.  I will take the lessons that I've learned and push forward.  We all make mistakes,  I only live once.  but the scrutiny is gone. I don't know where I will be and having plans in the future is  making me nervous.  I want to protect my friends, I want to be there for my friends but I am not sure I will make it.  I hope I can be strong enough to be part of this world.

Here's to moving forward!  Here's to closing the chapter and opening a new one.  Here's to not letting fear control me.

some times you need to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run.

Raise the bet when your ahead,

Fold when your behind

...... I can seem to let go of it.....The board is bad, the deck is stacked agianst me. Why can't i walk away.

I wanted to feel agian. I didn't want to feel numb any more.

the grass is always greener. -

being numb some times is easier then feeling

feeling is great when things are good

feeling is the worse when things go bad

You bring me the some of the happiest times at the same time you make me the saddest of sad

It is hard to not want more

it is hard to not want less

we are here looking on the fence or at least i am anywaz

having a poilte conversation about the lawn

we are so close and yet there is somthing that sepearates us from what truely makes us happy

or at least one of us anywaz.

our friendship is like a cupcake

warm, soft, and full of good ness

if we were together we'd be the frosting and sprinkles- it would just make it better

You don't want to put the sprinkles on

why am i waiting for sprinkles

why am i hoping that you will change your mind

why can't i just find another cupcake

.....

you are one of a kind

I feel like there is an air of desperation in my lungs. Its a sense of heaviness that makes it hard to breath. I really don't know what to do. I'm not sure where to go. Its one of the hardest things to feel. I have lost direction. The motivation is there but with the lacking of results it is hard to believe that anything is possible. There are many things that need to be done, but which direction should I take? Where do I go from here? I need direction... I need someone to kick me in the butt and tell me where to go.

suck up your pride
get over your self
accept that in order to move on you must admit to failure
there is a higher probability for success in another way of life
You can always come back
in 7 months you will be 27
What will you have accomplished?
Why haven't you accomplished more?
should i look around? Compare

So that was an extremely weird dream. Chaseing after 3 different girls all of them who found a away to hurt me. I t was quite a strange dream. the first was a beautful young ebony woman. with curely stright hair. the next was someoen from the past who made me chase her from one end of the strip to the other with very a ton of things that blocked my way. the thrid was Hanna montana? except her voice wasn't the same and heit really wasn't like anyone i know. It was a very strange dream but my heart kinda hurt through it all. also there was me sitting at a poker table and then making a burger wow what a strange dream.

Isn't it a weird double standard as a father that you want your son to be a Ladies man, but on the other hand you Want your daughter to be a prude? 18 years from now what do you say to your daughter brings home guy after guy? But at the same time if your son brings home girl after girl do you pat him on the back?

In dealing with a mother, aunt, and grandmother who all to some degree are all hypochondriac it is at times difficult to deal with their anxis and theories. They tend to bring about every problem for everyone onto them selfs'. With this being said, I am at times a hypochondriac, germaphobe, deprecating, and death anxious. It can make at times hard to go out, the mental side of it all being that it affects physical body more than it should. Fear of going out fear of humiliated fear in general all lead to becoming a person who is a shut in. That prefers to hide behind a computer screen.

It hurts, There's a pain in my chest
A deep gaping hole in my chest, The darkness fills my body and my soul
My soul feels like its leaking out
The feeling that are supposed to be there aren't there.
The task in front is not too big but it seems like nothing I do
Even if i look forward to something its just disappointment with
What if's

I'm searching for tranquility, I want balance, Would i be happy if i left it all behind.
Take my shot, do my thing, grind it out?
or Do I stay in mediocrity and remain content with being lucky.
Lucky that my family has some money. I'm lucky that I don't have to pay rent, I'm lucky that my parents will support me in what ever I do.

What do I do? Should i stay or should I go.
Life is too short to not do what you like
I'm just so tired of grinding.

The education system is messed up. I can relate for students who need help in subject matter in order for them to pass their classes. I can also relate to them having problems. In all reality is it necessary to pass these children when they do not posses the skills to move to the next level? Granted the children will be scrutinized because they aren't as smart as their piers but when the child shows no effort to improve. Then why should we waste our resources on them.
This county still needs people do things that do not posses college educations. Those members of society that need to work at the restaurants.

The Idea that everyone is equal is a load of crap. Everyone should have the same rights, but to say everyone has the same potential is insane. I suppose the rant begins with the idea that the schools have enacted a no child left behind. So instead of students repeating the grades that they fail they pass them because no child left behind. Even though in the 4th or 5th grade they can barely form a sentence. Or in the 8th grade they can't figure out how to plot the coordinates on the graph. I understand that it can be difficult subjects sometimes. But if your the 4th grade math level and have been passed to the 8th. There is something wrong with the system. I could undestand maybe 6th grade or 7th grade which would make the person only 1 or 2 years behind. Thats not an impossible task to catch up 1 or 2 years of basic math. But to be 4 years behind is no common place. These kids don't want to be in tutoring. but they are here and they need to at least respect the idea that they are they for a reason.

I'm not a loud person, I don't yell i don't want to raise my voice in anger. We will try to do something new. We will be positive. we will get our groups together.

Why to people trust me? I don't trust myself. It is an internal struggle to figure out what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes the right and wrong thing depends on a person point of view. Past experience shape our idea of right and wrong. It is a unique ability that we have evolved to the point where it is no longer a reaction or an instinct to do what we do as creatures.

What is trust? How do you how I trust people.

We all have secrets that we entrust other people with. We also have moments in our lives that we hope that other people would not remember

I'm manic depressive, or bi polar. i was more than happy when I woke up today. I haven't anything to complain about. I had a good week. Drea wants to chill. yet as soon as i talk to someone i compeatly lose my emotions. I'm not sure why. Its drving me crazy.

Heart of a Gambler, Mind of a Hustler, Soul of a Warrior

What does it take to be a gambler, well you first have to have the heart of a gambler, it has to be in the blood, it takes something special to be able to put every dime you have on what you believe is the right move to make you a winner at the table and in life.

You have to have no fear, no fear of losing because you have to believe that the move you are making is the right move and if not, you have to believe you can make the come back if you lose and live with that decision.Sometimes, you have to call for all you got, knowing that you are behind, but have faith, that you can catch up.

You have to have the mind of a hustler, hustlers are always thinking how can I make that cash, how can I get that money. You need to have a mind of a hustler, to create a system for getting that cash and the mind of a hustler to know how to get the cash. For some it is in the blood, you either have it or you don't.

Heart of a gambler, the mind of a hustler and the soul of a warrior, these are the things it takes to be a gambler.

You have to have passion when you play this game of gambling, no matter what you use to do it with, whatever game you play, you must play it with passion.

Can you take all that you have and place it on one bet to make life changing money? I can!

A well written article. The courage to be able to put your life on the line is something that is important to anyone. What do I believe in?

In a world where sex is a commodity. Do where do you stand? On one cliff you have those who believe that sex is a conservative and private. Things that should be keep behind closed doors and not talked about. On the other cliff you find those who are not afraid to talk about it where keeping an open mind and being able to talk about it is important. I can only be who I am, but where do I stand?

In the mirror I see a blank canvass.
A Young man. Not quite a boy or a teen
Not quite a Man grizzled with wisdom
He is not in shape. Nor is he out of shape.
He is not fat nor skinny.

In the mirror I see.
someone who can do anything.
someone who does nothing.

This is how I see it.

Being a nice guy sucks. Its hard to understand why women like bad guys, its all hard to understand why women want somthing else. I don't understand alot of things and women is one of them. I don't know how to pick up a woman I'm not really sure that i know how come she didn't like me. I guess i should ask her next time. I guess teh answer that im not looking for is the "your not my type" thats such a bull answer . I want somthing more specific. But if she says that it proves my point that she don't dig asian guys. Just like in the movies. she sure does watch alot of movies though. It was my mistake . I need to re dedicate myself to what I do and what im good at. finish up school and walk away from everything. Thats all I can really do now is just walk away . concentrate of who I am.

Ever say something really really stupid and wish you could take those precious few seconds back to not say those words. I just had that moment. The girl i liked asked me for a favor and thanked me with i love you. Why oh why did i say those exact same words back. Man i feel like goof. LOL you could call my goofy retarted waht have you man im such a dork and an idiot with girls. Why do these rules need to be so complicated. These courting women should not be this difficult let alone strict on rules. Blah so i think i will be depressed very very soon for a very very long time. once agian i screwed things up with a really great person. I need to learn from my mistakes not be paranoid and just let thigns flow. Just not let words flow out of my mouth.

What exactly is a date? I'm not really sure anymore. So yesterday I thought it was an awsome day date sorta. Like 95% awsome. Had a great lunch at yard house with an awsome girl. But the other thing about it is im not sure it was a romantic date. 2 friending haning out haing lunch and a movie dons't constitute a date nessisarly. So was it a date? I'm not sure. It was fun to have lunch and talk with her though. So lets start with, Lunch at yard house pretty good. Next cool movie deffeinatly, maybe. Thats the one with Ryan Renyolds or somthing. So yeah pretty neat movie for a Febuary movie. It was pretty cool having coffee and getting to know her. but im not really convinced that this is a situation that i can't not be happy with. Im really happy witht heh way the day was but im not sure its a romantic date which i guess im ok with. But i suppose last nights dream was somthing of a weird dream cuse all i dremed about was making out with someone. a person with no face. I wonder what that means. Im not really sure. its been so long that i've done that that i feel like i need pratice. Ughhh i m soo confused. It was kinda intersting finding someone who feels the same way about picking someone up at a bar. FInally i have somoene that i can share my thoughts about that with. blah someone is here and i don't wanna write anymore

Valintines day is for girls. So why am i doing all this work for people that really in all acutality it doesn't matter. Its a kind gesture. C, questions why i do what i do. The way that i am. I'm not really sure. I suppose its this quest to get people to like me. I can't stand the thought of someone not liking me. I also don't like the thought of being alone constantly. its bothersome but its also who I am. I want people to like me. I want people to see this person who can do alot of things well. I can't stand thinking that I didn't do my best to help people out.

I wonder if there is any research on the feeling of being out side everything. Being a Jack of all trades dosn't and master of none is a european concept but its very difficult not to think that although who i wam maybe i there is somthing more. I need to figure out who and what that is exactly. The idea of going through life with out the internal drive or motivation scares me. I'm not quite sure i feel like my friends are not my friends anymore. I don't understand them. they don't understand me. I'm not like them. But they still call my friend. I don't know what to say to them. They just wander life trying to find someone else. Me as much as i'd like to join them in their search its also a diffuclt thing to do being that most my friends are girls. How do you deal with somthing like that. How do you act when they'd much rather you be a girl at the same time you arn't. I wonder in life if it would have been better off if i was a girl instead of a guy. I often wonder if i made too many wrong choices in life to cause my consideartion that life is wrong. That i should just end it. There is no purpose in life. I feel like I'm lost, I feel like i've lost the drive the reason why i keep getting up in the morning. Every day is a blessing so to speak. but why. why me? What am i supposed to do? Before i knew, Before it was easy, Now standing in my way there is no path. I don't understand what I am supposed to do. I am easily depressed. Its weird living in this time period, in this stage of the world, in this siutation that i've been born into. Although many people will argue it is quite simply put, I don't fit in anywhere. I can not calim to be White or european. I can not claim to be Chinese, because I was born in America. I do not speak Chinese. I don't think like regular people. I think too much. It is possible that I am mentally damaged. Going through life in the pursuit of happniness. I am not like everyone else. I have no plan. I have no goals. I have no idea what I want from life. Family is a big influence on me. Some times i feel that maybe it would have been better if i where to start over on my own. Discover who I am on my own. Start over and make new friends. Leave the ones that have casued me so much mental distraction. What do i know about that. I don't know anything. Where would i go? I often think maybe I should go to china. Maybe i'll go to las vegas. I'm not really sure. becoming a cook? my mom hates that idea becuse there is no money in it. To me what does it matter? Money is money. It comes and goes. I may not be better than anyone else but im also no worse. I don't want to be alone but i don't want to be with people. I want to know what am i supposed to do?

Happy new year to me. Once agian no one called to hang out. I know how sad right, but what can be expected. So lets see, i lied to my good friends to protect them from well themselfs. yet at the same time they find out that i told a lie. they don't like to spend time with me for that fact that everyone else is on a quest to find that person to give their emotions to. So here im left in the dark but having that feeling that everyone kinda hates me right now. Life goes on.. i suppose. I'm not sure i'm being a good friend. i'm not sure if they are just wanting me to be more like them so much that they are reluctant to see that we are all growing up. Maybe its my own short commings that is giving me a hard time to let go of the people i've known for a long time. Maybe its me that needs to be a better person. Let everything just roll off my shoulder. Let people forum their own opinions and let them live their lives. As much as i want to be apart of their lives. I take a step back and think. these people need to grow up. maybe its becuse I've been forced to grow up sooner. maybe its the fact that I don't search for that mate the same way they do. maybe its that i've done the party thing and im kinda tired of it. I'm not really sure. what i know is i need to get another job to fill my time. By doing that i won't have so much time to think about the problems of other people. it is diffuclt to say but i can easily say that i might have screwed up all like 2 of 3 of my closest relationships. Maybe it is time for me to move on. Get a long little doggy... as they would say. Maybe its my reluctantance to move on and realize that there are other oppritutnies to be had. I figure i got 6 years left on this body i should make the best of it. I although do wonder... do they even see me as a friend anymore. Maybe i've lost my mind like the rest of the family. When the next person asks the question does mental insanity run in the family i might have to answer yes. I think my dad married into mentally unstable family. to go over. My my mom side of the family all have mental problems of having to be right. They are irrantional. * on a side note maybe i'll grow old and realize that i don't need a woman * my uncle was mentally disabled, and died becuse of ceasures. My grandfather died becuse of his heart condition, my great grand father died becuse he left the stove on and died of smoke inhnlation. My great grandmother later died a 10+ years later of old age. But these things happen. Family is imporant. i suppose i should be happy that my family will support me in what ever i do. But ultimatlely what do I want to do? Selling realesate seems tedicous. going in to finances may be lucriative but it seems boring. Playing poker was a tempoarty thing. Made good money doing that but thats not the life i want to lead. Not yet. I love to cook. i like making food. Making food for people i enjoy. is that a passion im not sure maybe i should follow my soul and go that way after the semsiter is done. my dad says that i may be the greatest asset that he has in the family. I'm not sure i believe him. My dad also says before when i was my brothers age that i was a pain in the butt and all i thought about was myself. Now that i'm more aware of my suroundings im not sure which is the real me. We all go through transitions not sure where i am in life. I am a lost soul searching for a purpose. Playing poker dosn't do it for me anymore. I want to find a job but im also too lazy to do that as well. I need to put in the time and make the a wise choice.