Happy new year to me. Once agian no one called to hang out. I know how sad right, but what can be expected. So lets see, i lied to my good friends to protect them from well themselfs. yet at the same time they find out that i told a lie. they don't like to spend time with me for that fact that everyone else is on a quest to find that person to give their emotions to. So here im left in the dark but having that feeling that everyone kinda hates me right now. Life goes on.. i suppose. I'm not sure i'm being a good friend. i'm not sure if they are just wanting me to be more like them so much that they are reluctant to see that we are all growing up. Maybe its my own short commings that is giving me a hard time to let go of the people i've known for a long time. Maybe its me that needs to be a better person. Let everything just roll off my shoulder. Let people forum their own opinions and let them live their lives. As much as i want to be apart of their lives. I take a step back and think. these people need to grow up. maybe its becuse I've been forced to grow up sooner. maybe its the fact that I don't search for that mate the same way they do. maybe its that i've done the party thing and im kinda tired of it. I'm not really sure. what i know is i need to get another job to fill my time. By doing that i won't have so much time to think about the problems of other people. it is diffuclt to say but i can easily say that i might have screwed up all like 2 of 3 of my closest relationships. Maybe it is time for me to move on. Get a long little doggy... as they would say. Maybe its my reluctantance to move on and realize that there are other oppritutnies to be had. I figure i got 6 years left on this body i should make the best of it. I although do wonder... do they even see me as a friend anymore. Maybe i've lost my mind like the rest of the family. When the next person asks the question does mental insanity run in the family i might have to answer yes. I think my dad married into mentally unstable family. to go over. My my mom side of the family all have mental problems of having to be right. They are irrantional. * on a side note maybe i'll grow old and realize that i don't need a woman * my uncle was mentally disabled, and died becuse of ceasures. My grandfather died becuse of his heart condition, my great grand father died becuse he left the stove on and died of smoke inhnlation. My great grandmother later died a 10+ years later of old age. But these things happen. Family is imporant. i suppose i should be happy that my family will support me in what ever i do. But ultimatlely what do I want to do? Selling realesate seems tedicous. going in to finances may be lucriative but it seems boring. Playing poker was a tempoarty thing. Made good money doing that but thats not the life i want to lead. Not yet. I love to cook. i like making food. Making food for people i enjoy. is that a passion im not sure maybe i should follow my soul and go that way after the semsiter is done. my dad says that i may be the greatest asset that he has in the family. I'm not sure i believe him. My dad also says before when i was my brothers age that i was a pain in the butt and all i thought about was myself. Now that i'm more aware of my suroundings im not sure which is the real me. We all go through transitions not sure where i am in life. I am a lost soul searching for a purpose. Playing poker dosn't do it for me anymore. I want to find a job but im also too lazy to do that as well. I need to put in the time and make the a wise choice.