I wonder if there is any research on the feeling of being out side everything. Being a Jack of all trades dosn't and master of none is a european concept but its very difficult not to think that although who i wam maybe i there is somthing more. I need to figure out who and what that is exactly. The idea of going through life with out the internal drive or motivation scares me. I'm not quite sure i feel like my friends are not my friends anymore. I don't understand them. they don't understand me. I'm not like them. But they still call my friend. I don't know what to say to them. They just wander life trying to find someone else. Me as much as i'd like to join them in their search its also a diffuclt thing to do being that most my friends are girls. How do you deal with somthing like that. How do you act when they'd much rather you be a girl at the same time you arn't. I wonder in life if it would have been better off if i was a girl instead of a guy. I often wonder if i made too many wrong choices in life to cause my consideartion that life is wrong. That i should just end it. There is no purpose in life. I feel like I'm lost, I feel like i've lost the drive the reason why i keep getting up in the morning. Every day is a blessing so to speak. but why. why me? What am i supposed to do? Before i knew, Before it was easy, Now standing in my way there is no path. I don't understand what I am supposed to do. I am easily depressed. Its weird living in this time period, in this stage of the world, in this siutation that i've been born into. Although many people will argue it is quite simply put, I don't fit in anywhere. I can not calim to be White or european. I can not claim to be Chinese, because I was born in America. I do not speak Chinese. I don't think like regular people. I think too much. It is possible that I am mentally damaged. Going through life in the pursuit of happniness. I am not like everyone else. I have no plan. I have no goals. I have no idea what I want from life. Family is a big influence on me. Some times i feel that maybe it would have been better if i where to start over on my own. Discover who I am on my own. Start over and make new friends. Leave the ones that have casued me so much mental distraction. What do i know about that. I don't know anything. Where would i go? I often think maybe I should go to china. Maybe i'll go to las vegas. I'm not really sure. becoming a cook? my mom hates that idea becuse there is no money in it. To me what does it matter? Money is money. It comes and goes. I may not be better than anyone else but im also no worse. I don't want to be alone but i don't want to be with people. I want to know what am i supposed to do?