Why to people trust me? I don't trust myself. It is an internal struggle to figure out what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes the right and wrong thing depends on a person point of view. Past experience shape our idea of right and wrong. It is a unique ability that we have evolved to the point where it is no longer a reaction or an instinct to do what we do as creatures.

What is trust? How do you how I trust people.

We all have secrets that we entrust other people with. We also have moments in our lives that we hope that other people would not remember

I'm manic depressive, or bi polar. i was more than happy when I woke up today. I haven't anything to complain about. I had a good week. Drea wants to chill. yet as soon as i talk to someone i compeatly lose my emotions. I'm not sure why. Its drving me crazy.

Heart of a Gambler, Mind of a Hustler, Soul of a Warrior

What does it take to be a gambler, well you first have to have the heart of a gambler, it has to be in the blood, it takes something special to be able to put every dime you have on what you believe is the right move to make you a winner at the table and in life.

You have to have no fear, no fear of losing because you have to believe that the move you are making is the right move and if not, you have to believe you can make the come back if you lose and live with that decision.Sometimes, you have to call for all you got, knowing that you are behind, but have faith, that you can catch up.

You have to have the mind of a hustler, hustlers are always thinking how can I make that cash, how can I get that money. You need to have a mind of a hustler, to create a system for getting that cash and the mind of a hustler to know how to get the cash. For some it is in the blood, you either have it or you don't.

Heart of a gambler, the mind of a hustler and the soul of a warrior, these are the things it takes to be a gambler.

You have to have passion when you play this game of gambling, no matter what you use to do it with, whatever game you play, you must play it with passion.

Can you take all that you have and place it on one bet to make life changing money? I can!

A well written article. The courage to be able to put your life on the line is something that is important to anyone. What do I believe in?

In a world where sex is a commodity. Do where do you stand? On one cliff you have those who believe that sex is a conservative and private. Things that should be keep behind closed doors and not talked about. On the other cliff you find those who are not afraid to talk about it where keeping an open mind and being able to talk about it is important. I can only be who I am, but where do I stand?

In the mirror I see a blank canvass.
A Young man. Not quite a boy or a teen
Not quite a Man grizzled with wisdom
He is not in shape. Nor is he out of shape.
He is not fat nor skinny.

In the mirror I see.
someone who can do anything.
someone who does nothing.

This is how I see it.

Being a nice guy sucks. Its hard to understand why women like bad guys, its all hard to understand why women want somthing else. I don't understand alot of things and women is one of them. I don't know how to pick up a woman I'm not really sure that i know how come she didn't like me. I guess i should ask her next time. I guess teh answer that im not looking for is the "your not my type" thats such a bull answer . I want somthing more specific. But if she says that it proves my point that she don't dig asian guys. Just like in the movies. she sure does watch alot of movies though. It was my mistake . I need to re dedicate myself to what I do and what im good at. finish up school and walk away from everything. Thats all I can really do now is just walk away . concentrate of who I am.

Ever say something really really stupid and wish you could take those precious few seconds back to not say those words. I just had that moment. The girl i liked asked me for a favor and thanked me with i love you. Why oh why did i say those exact same words back. Man i feel like goof. LOL you could call my goofy retarted waht have you man im such a dork and an idiot with girls. Why do these rules need to be so complicated. These courting women should not be this difficult let alone strict on rules. Blah so i think i will be depressed very very soon for a very very long time. once agian i screwed things up with a really great person. I need to learn from my mistakes not be paranoid and just let thigns flow. Just not let words flow out of my mouth.

What exactly is a date? I'm not really sure anymore. So yesterday I thought it was an awsome day date sorta. Like 95% awsome. Had a great lunch at yard house with an awsome girl. But the other thing about it is im not sure it was a romantic date. 2 friending haning out haing lunch and a movie dons't constitute a date nessisarly. So was it a date? I'm not sure. It was fun to have lunch and talk with her though. So lets start with, Lunch at yard house pretty good. Next cool movie deffeinatly, maybe. Thats the one with Ryan Renyolds or somthing. So yeah pretty neat movie for a Febuary movie. It was pretty cool having coffee and getting to know her. but im not really convinced that this is a situation that i can't not be happy with. Im really happy witht heh way the day was but im not sure its a romantic date which i guess im ok with. But i suppose last nights dream was somthing of a weird dream cuse all i dremed about was making out with someone. a person with no face. I wonder what that means. Im not really sure. its been so long that i've done that that i feel like i need pratice. Ughhh i m soo confused. It was kinda intersting finding someone who feels the same way about picking someone up at a bar. FInally i have somoene that i can share my thoughts about that with. blah someone is here and i don't wanna write anymore

Valintines day is for girls. So why am i doing all this work for people that really in all acutality it doesn't matter. Its a kind gesture. C, questions why i do what i do. The way that i am. I'm not really sure. I suppose its this quest to get people to like me. I can't stand the thought of someone not liking me. I also don't like the thought of being alone constantly. its bothersome but its also who I am. I want people to like me. I want people to see this person who can do alot of things well. I can't stand thinking that I didn't do my best to help people out.

I wonder if there is any research on the feeling of being out side everything. Being a Jack of all trades dosn't and master of none is a european concept but its very difficult not to think that although who i wam maybe i there is somthing more. I need to figure out who and what that is exactly. The idea of going through life with out the internal drive or motivation scares me. I'm not quite sure i feel like my friends are not my friends anymore. I don't understand them. they don't understand me. I'm not like them. But they still call my friend. I don't know what to say to them. They just wander life trying to find someone else. Me as much as i'd like to join them in their search its also a diffuclt thing to do being that most my friends are girls. How do you deal with somthing like that. How do you act when they'd much rather you be a girl at the same time you arn't. I wonder in life if it would have been better off if i was a girl instead of a guy. I often wonder if i made too many wrong choices in life to cause my consideartion that life is wrong. That i should just end it. There is no purpose in life. I feel like I'm lost, I feel like i've lost the drive the reason why i keep getting up in the morning. Every day is a blessing so to speak. but why. why me? What am i supposed to do? Before i knew, Before it was easy, Now standing in my way there is no path. I don't understand what I am supposed to do. I am easily depressed. Its weird living in this time period, in this stage of the world, in this siutation that i've been born into. Although many people will argue it is quite simply put, I don't fit in anywhere. I can not calim to be White or european. I can not claim to be Chinese, because I was born in America. I do not speak Chinese. I don't think like regular people. I think too much. It is possible that I am mentally damaged. Going through life in the pursuit of happniness. I am not like everyone else. I have no plan. I have no goals. I have no idea what I want from life. Family is a big influence on me. Some times i feel that maybe it would have been better if i where to start over on my own. Discover who I am on my own. Start over and make new friends. Leave the ones that have casued me so much mental distraction. What do i know about that. I don't know anything. Where would i go? I often think maybe I should go to china. Maybe i'll go to las vegas. I'm not really sure. becoming a cook? my mom hates that idea becuse there is no money in it. To me what does it matter? Money is money. It comes and goes. I may not be better than anyone else but im also no worse. I don't want to be alone but i don't want to be with people. I want to know what am i supposed to do?

Happy new year to me. Once agian no one called to hang out. I know how sad right, but what can be expected. So lets see, i lied to my good friends to protect them from well themselfs. yet at the same time they find out that i told a lie. they don't like to spend time with me for that fact that everyone else is on a quest to find that person to give their emotions to. So here im left in the dark but having that feeling that everyone kinda hates me right now. Life goes on.. i suppose. I'm not sure i'm being a good friend. i'm not sure if they are just wanting me to be more like them so much that they are reluctant to see that we are all growing up. Maybe its my own short commings that is giving me a hard time to let go of the people i've known for a long time. Maybe its me that needs to be a better person. Let everything just roll off my shoulder. Let people forum their own opinions and let them live their lives. As much as i want to be apart of their lives. I take a step back and think. these people need to grow up. maybe its becuse I've been forced to grow up sooner. maybe its the fact that I don't search for that mate the same way they do. maybe its that i've done the party thing and im kinda tired of it. I'm not really sure. what i know is i need to get another job to fill my time. By doing that i won't have so much time to think about the problems of other people. it is diffuclt to say but i can easily say that i might have screwed up all like 2 of 3 of my closest relationships. Maybe it is time for me to move on. Get a long little doggy... as they would say. Maybe its my reluctantance to move on and realize that there are other oppritutnies to be had. I figure i got 6 years left on this body i should make the best of it. I although do wonder... do they even see me as a friend anymore. Maybe i've lost my mind like the rest of the family. When the next person asks the question does mental insanity run in the family i might have to answer yes. I think my dad married into mentally unstable family. to go over. My my mom side of the family all have mental problems of having to be right. They are irrantional. * on a side note maybe i'll grow old and realize that i don't need a woman * my uncle was mentally disabled, and died becuse of ceasures. My grandfather died becuse of his heart condition, my great grand father died becuse he left the stove on and died of smoke inhnlation. My great grandmother later died a 10+ years later of old age. But these things happen. Family is imporant. i suppose i should be happy that my family will support me in what ever i do. But ultimatlely what do I want to do? Selling realesate seems tedicous. going in to finances may be lucriative but it seems boring. Playing poker was a tempoarty thing. Made good money doing that but thats not the life i want to lead. Not yet. I love to cook. i like making food. Making food for people i enjoy. is that a passion im not sure maybe i should follow my soul and go that way after the semsiter is done. my dad says that i may be the greatest asset that he has in the family. I'm not sure i believe him. My dad also says before when i was my brothers age that i was a pain in the butt and all i thought about was myself. Now that i'm more aware of my suroundings im not sure which is the real me. We all go through transitions not sure where i am in life. I am a lost soul searching for a purpose. Playing poker dosn't do it for me anymore. I want to find a job but im also too lazy to do that as well. I need to put in the time and make the a wise choice.