I wonder if there is any research on the feeling of being out side everything. Being a Jack of all trades dosn't and master of none is a european concept but its very difficult not to think that although who i wam maybe i there is somthing more. I need to figure out who and what that is exactly. The idea of going through life with out the internal drive or motivation scares me. I'm not quite sure i feel like my friends are not my friends anymore. I don't understand them. they don't understand me. I'm not like them. But they still call my friend. I don't know what to say to them. They just wander life trying to find someone else. Me as much as i'd like to join them in their search its also a diffuclt thing to do being that most my friends are girls. How do you deal with somthing like that. How do you act when they'd much rather you be a girl at the same time you arn't. I wonder in life if it would have been better off if i was a girl instead of a guy. I often wonder if i made too many wrong choices in life to cause my consideartion that life is wrong. That i should just end it. There is no purpose in life. I feel like I'm lost, I feel like i've lost the drive the reason why i keep getting up in the morning. Every day is a blessing so to speak. but why. why me? What am i supposed to do? Before i knew, Before it was easy, Now standing in my way there is no path. I don't understand what I am supposed to do. I am easily depressed. Its weird living in this time period, in this stage of the world, in this siutation that i've been born into. Although many people will argue it is quite simply put, I don't fit in anywhere. I can not calim to be White or european. I can not claim to be Chinese, because I was born in America. I do not speak Chinese. I don't think like regular people. I think too much. It is possible that I am mentally damaged. Going through life in the pursuit of happniness. I am not like everyone else. I have no plan. I have no goals. I have no idea what I want from life. Family is a big influence on me. Some times i feel that maybe it would have been better if i where to start over on my own. Discover who I am on my own. Start over and make new friends. Leave the ones that have casued me so much mental distraction. What do i know about that. I don't know anything. Where would i go? I often think maybe I should go to china. Maybe i'll go to las vegas. I'm not really sure. becoming a cook? my mom hates that idea becuse there is no money in it. To me what does it matter? Money is money. It comes and goes. I may not be better than anyone else but im also no worse. I don't want to be alone but i don't want to be with people. I want to know what am i supposed to do?

Happy new year to me. Once agian no one called to hang out. I know how sad right, but what can be expected. So lets see, i lied to my good friends to protect them from well themselfs. yet at the same time they find out that i told a lie. they don't like to spend time with me for that fact that everyone else is on a quest to find that person to give their emotions to. So here im left in the dark but having that feeling that everyone kinda hates me right now. Life goes on.. i suppose. I'm not sure i'm being a good friend. i'm not sure if they are just wanting me to be more like them so much that they are reluctant to see that we are all growing up. Maybe its my own short commings that is giving me a hard time to let go of the people i've known for a long time. Maybe its me that needs to be a better person. Let everything just roll off my shoulder. Let people forum their own opinions and let them live their lives. As much as i want to be apart of their lives. I take a step back and think. these people need to grow up. maybe its becuse I've been forced to grow up sooner. maybe its the fact that I don't search for that mate the same way they do. maybe its that i've done the party thing and im kinda tired of it. I'm not really sure. what i know is i need to get another job to fill my time. By doing that i won't have so much time to think about the problems of other people. it is diffuclt to say but i can easily say that i might have screwed up all like 2 of 3 of my closest relationships. Maybe it is time for me to move on. Get a long little doggy... as they would say. Maybe its my reluctantance to move on and realize that there are other oppritutnies to be had. I figure i got 6 years left on this body i should make the best of it. I although do wonder... do they even see me as a friend anymore. Maybe i've lost my mind like the rest of the family. When the next person asks the question does mental insanity run in the family i might have to answer yes. I think my dad married into mentally unstable family. to go over. My my mom side of the family all have mental problems of having to be right. They are irrantional. * on a side note maybe i'll grow old and realize that i don't need a woman * my uncle was mentally disabled, and died becuse of ceasures. My grandfather died becuse of his heart condition, my great grand father died becuse he left the stove on and died of smoke inhnlation. My great grandmother later died a 10+ years later of old age. But these things happen. Family is imporant. i suppose i should be happy that my family will support me in what ever i do. But ultimatlely what do I want to do? Selling realesate seems tedicous. going in to finances may be lucriative but it seems boring. Playing poker was a tempoarty thing. Made good money doing that but thats not the life i want to lead. Not yet. I love to cook. i like making food. Making food for people i enjoy. is that a passion im not sure maybe i should follow my soul and go that way after the semsiter is done. my dad says that i may be the greatest asset that he has in the family. I'm not sure i believe him. My dad also says before when i was my brothers age that i was a pain in the butt and all i thought about was myself. Now that i'm more aware of my suroundings im not sure which is the real me. We all go through transitions not sure where i am in life. I am a lost soul searching for a purpose. Playing poker dosn't do it for me anymore. I want to find a job but im also too lazy to do that as well. I need to put in the time and make the a wise choice.