The last 2 years have flown by so fast, the last 5 even faster.

I am at the end of a chapter in my life and beginning a new one.  I am far from sure that I have made the right choice but this also everything seems to coming to an end and a new beginning.

On June 1st,  I will officially be unemployed an my very good friend will have left California.  

In the terms of leaving my job,  In my mind i feel like I am running through the forest with a bungee cord that when you reach the end it rips you back where you are supposed to be.  You are really never in any real danger  because you know that cord is there to pull you back to safety.  By quitting my job and taking that leap of faith a few images come to mind,  the Scene from Rise: of Batman,  When Bruce Wayne figures out that he can not make that final leap out of the prison with out the safety rope.

secondly,  In my mind back to running in the forest i feel like I just cut the rope and as June 1st quickly approaches  I suddenly do not feel the rope holding me back now.  

I feel that I am running towards the sun rise, there is darkness just being illuminated by the morning sun,   I am running towards the cliff.  in hopes that I can fly.  I am running as fast as I can so that i can fly.


I am trying to trust my uncle,  I am supposed to believe that he will take care of things. This leap of faith was put in the hands of a very successful man.  I feel that if i can even walk part of his path I will be very comfortable.  I am not afraid to work hard.

I need to bring myself together, I need to trust in the system,  I need to cut dead weight,  and not dwell on the past.  I must learn from it and continue to press forward.  This is the only way for me to become better.  I will take the lessons that I've learned and push forward.  We all make mistakes,  I only live once.  but the scrutiny is gone. I don't know where I will be and having plans in the future is  making me nervous.  I want to protect my friends, I want to be there for my friends but I am not sure I will make it.  I hope I can be strong enough to be part of this world.

Here's to moving forward!  Here's to closing the chapter and opening a new one.  Here's to not letting fear control me.

some times you need to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold them, know when to walk away, know when to run.

Raise the bet when your ahead,

Fold when your behind

...... I can seem to let go of it.....The board is bad, the deck is stacked agianst me. Why can't i walk away.

I wanted to feel agian. I didn't want to feel numb any more.

the grass is always greener. -

being numb some times is easier then feeling

feeling is great when things are good

feeling is the worse when things go bad

You bring me the some of the happiest times at the same time you make me the saddest of sad

It is hard to not want more

it is hard to not want less

we are here looking on the fence or at least i am anywaz

having a poilte conversation about the lawn

we are so close and yet there is somthing that sepearates us from what truely makes us happy

or at least one of us anywaz.

our friendship is like a cupcake

warm, soft, and full of good ness

if we were together we'd be the frosting and sprinkles- it would just make it better

You don't want to put the sprinkles on

why am i waiting for sprinkles

why am i hoping that you will change your mind

why can't i just find another cupcake

.....

you are one of a kind

I feel like there is an air of desperation in my lungs. Its a sense of heaviness that makes it hard to breath. I really don't know what to do. I'm not sure where to go. Its one of the hardest things to feel. I have lost direction. The motivation is there but with the lacking of results it is hard to believe that anything is possible. There are many things that need to be done, but which direction should I take? Where do I go from here? I need direction... I need someone to kick me in the butt and tell me where to go.

suck up your pride
get over your self
accept that in order to move on you must admit to failure
there is a higher probability for success in another way of life
You can always come back
in 7 months you will be 27
What will you have accomplished?
Why haven't you accomplished more?
should i look around? Compare

So that was an extremely weird dream. Chaseing after 3 different girls all of them who found a away to hurt me. I t was quite a strange dream. the first was a beautful young ebony woman. with curely stright hair. the next was someoen from the past who made me chase her from one end of the strip to the other with very a ton of things that blocked my way. the thrid was Hanna montana? except her voice wasn't the same and heit really wasn't like anyone i know. It was a very strange dream but my heart kinda hurt through it all. also there was me sitting at a poker table and then making a burger wow what a strange dream.

Isn't it a weird double standard as a father that you want your son to be a Ladies man, but on the other hand you Want your daughter to be a prude? 18 years from now what do you say to your daughter brings home guy after guy? But at the same time if your son brings home girl after girl do you pat him on the back?

In dealing with a mother, aunt, and grandmother who all to some degree are all hypochondriac it is at times difficult to deal with their anxis and theories. They tend to bring about every problem for everyone onto them selfs'. With this being said, I am at times a hypochondriac, germaphobe, deprecating, and death anxious. It can make at times hard to go out, the mental side of it all being that it affects physical body more than it should. Fear of going out fear of humiliated fear in general all lead to becoming a person who is a shut in. That prefers to hide behind a computer screen.